ONAMI – A Tea-totallers Tale.

WestGate Mall is the pinnacle of Kenyan Architecture, Chique and Consumerism.

Therefore, it is not surprising to find some of the ‘creme – de-la- creme’ businesses positioning themselves in every nook and cranny of the mall.

One of these , is the newly opened, Onami.

Japanese restaurants have sprung up all over Nairobi, Sushi seems to be the Ugali of the upper crust and Onami seems to be vying to be one of the top restaurants in the country, but miserably falls flat on it’s face.

I walked in there last night with the wife, with no expectations and was pleasantly surprised by the decor and ambiance.  There were quite a few tables occupied –  busy for a Wednesday night.

I just wanted a quick nibble, nothing to heavy so I ordered sushi, the wife ordered some tea, beef and sushi.  One thing we noticed was there was a starters/main course menu and a wine list.  No drinks or dessert showed in any of their literature…

Food came – it was ok, nothing spectacular – quite a bit of rice vinegar in the sushi, and a miniscule helping of prawn in my ebi maki.  Desert, Chocolate Fondant, was the best thing we had there.

The shock came when I got the bill.

Everything else was ok, except that the tea cost Kshs 440(approx USD $ 5.5).  I consider that daylight robbery for hot water with a few leaves in it, so I called up the waitress and asked her what was up…. Her reply was ” I told you guys to share the tea…” Not sure what that meant, I told her that it didn’t justify the price of the tea and if she could explain why it cost that much.  I told her I don’t mind paying for it if the tea was rare, but we really couldn’t understand why it was costing that much.  Compared to everything else on the menu, the tea was almost the same  price  as of the steak, moreoever, there was nothing on the menu showing the cost..

The manager was called and he couldnt answer any of our questions.  He went an got the supervisor, a short bald  guy, to explain what the story behind the tea was… and all he said was he would look into it…. and walked away…. and hung around the place doing absolutely nothing.

Out came the camera and we started taking pictures of the tea and the receipt and he saw it happening.

This must have triggered some action from him cos he came up right away with a complimentary dessert and said he would look into the bill…. and did nothing…

For me, service in a place is the life and soul.  I could eat in a dingy restaurant and still enjoy the meal if the service was good.

In the end, I was tired of waiting and not in the mood to cause a scene.  I just paid the bill and walked out with a sour taste in my mouth(yeah the vinegar in the sushi was that strong.. ).

Anyway, just goes to show that more than one person has had a bad experience in this place. I really hope that the restaurant is served some Kenyan justice, and is avoided( like what happened to Blue Times and Cosmic etc) and the patronage can spend their monies in other (plenty of) well deserving restaurants around Nairobi.

Raila – The New President of Kenya?

Check out this goof up by CNN, stating that Raila Odinga is the President of Kenya.

Stupid Americans… you think that they’d pay a little more attention with their president being ‘HALF-Kenyan’.

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/01/29/us.iran/index.html

Kenya spare some change?

I was in Kenya for work last week, with some colleagues who were travelling to the country for the first time.

We were in Tanzania before and they were complaining about how unfriendly Tanzanians were.  Being the proud Kenyan that I am, I immediately told them about how friendly Kenyans were and how we always have a smile on our faces.

Immediately upon landing in Nairobi Airport, we were greeted with a smile …… and an open palm.

I tried to tell my colleagues that bribery was a part of Africa and people would find any reason to get money from your, but the manner in which it was done was brash and unabashed.  Like taking a bribe was a part of life and part of the immigration process.

It didn’t stop there.  It seemed that all of Kenya, or Nairobi(Nai – robbery) was looking at any way to squeeze money from visitors there. From the Bellboys to the Cab drivers to “Five Star” Hotels, everyone seemed to be out to gyp visitors out of their money.  Case in point – many of the hotels in Nairobi – (Serena, Intercon) used to charge a set amount for a bed and breakfast.  Now they charge USD$ 25 for breakfast – which is cereal, eggs, sausages and bread.  For Kenya, even with the economic status of the world currently, this is exorbitant! The least a hotel can do, after paying over USD $ 200  a night at a ‘five’ star hotel is feed you breakfast!

At one of the restaurants in Nairobi, The Tamarind, a waiter told us about his daughter getting married and he was expecting a big fat tip from us.  Not that I haven’t heard this story before, but how it was propositioned was a shock to me. He literally asked us to give him money.

We were there for three days and in the course, asking for money in one form or another was a repeat performance by Kenyans.  My colleagues left Kenya with a soiled image of Kenyans.

To me, it was a shock.  I kept on thinking about how we had come to this position.  From what I see, there are two layers to this.  The outer one is trying to exploit visitors as much as possible and the inner one is the easiest way to make money – begging.  Maybe our reliance on tourism was taking a negative turn for us.  It seemed like we have corrupted our morality and our humility to get here.  Then I got thinking about the fact that the govt. of Kenya doing the exact same thing with the World Bank.  Getting on its knees and begging for handouts.  It was appalling.  No wonder, many Kenyans don’t have any shame in begging.

I don’t know, maybe its the fact that I have been out of the country for far too long.

We have so many resources, industries, stability and it is a shock to see people doing these things. If we cannot pull our act together, there are many beautiful places in the world that tourists can head to.  If our tourism industry is in a decline we only have ourselves to blame for exploiting and disgusting tourists out of the country.

Kenyans say the daftest things….

I really hate Kenyans who leave Kenya and seem to forget about what the country is like.

Case in point, I went to Chili’s at Mall of Emirates today. We were greeted by a hostess who looked VERY obviously Kenyan.

She led us to our seats and I said, Asante(thank you).  She looked at me like I had just barraged her with a slew of choice expletives.  Here follows our conversation:

Her: “You speak SWAHILI!!!!!!”(she looks shocked. Almost disgusted)

Me: “Yes I speak Swahili. Are you from Kenya”

Her:”Yes, but HOW did you know I’m from Kenya?”

Me: Shrugging, “You look it….. besides I’m Kenyan too”

Her:”But you’re not BLACK!!!” (here’s when I wanted to slap some intelligence into her)

Me:”How long have you lived in Kenya?”

Her:”All my ..”

Me:”Have you been living on a shamba(farm) somewhere? Cos if you visit any city you will find that other people that are not black have lived in Kenya for hundreds of years. You should go to Nairobi sometime. It’s a great city to visit.”

Her:”I actually lived in Nairobi..”(shes being defiant now to show that only black people are ‘real’ Kenyans)

Me:”And how long have you lived in Dubai?”

Her:”Three weeks”

Me: “Great. Its good to see farm people get out a little”

Her:”….”

Me:”Ok. Thank you. See you later”

Apparently this has happened to a friend of mine a bunch of times as well. Not at the same place but around Dubai.

It’s fucked up to see Kenyans behaving this way.

If you see the girl at Chilis at MOE near the movie theaters. Go say Jambo. Especially if you are not a ‘real’ Kenyan.

FUCKK!!!

Finally, peace in Kenya

Kibaki has allowed Raila to create a full powered PM seat in Kenya as part of a brokered power sharing govt.

I couldnt care less about this. I just want the bullshit to stop so we can all move on with our lives.

Thanks for the violence guys, now can you get back to stealing from us so that we can live in peace?

Kenya patches it up…

Breaking news, Kofi Annan has declared that the two parties in Kenya have come to a decision that satisfies both the leaders. More information will be revealed in the news tonight.

Let’s hope it’s good!

We’re so witty, oh so witty and pretty and briiiighhhtt

I just had the following email forwarded to me… it’s really hillarious! I miss Kenya!

Thanks Mubzzzzzzzzzz!

Email :

These questions about Kenya were posted on a Kenyan Tourism portal and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Kenya ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA )
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Mombasa to Nakuru – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres….take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Kenya ? (Sweden).
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Kenya ? Can you send me a list of them in Nairobi and Mombasa? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in Kenya ? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not …oh forget it! Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Koinange Street. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Kenya ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Kenya ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Do you have perfume in Kenya ? ( France)
A: No. We don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Kenya? (USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Kenya where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Kenya ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Kenya ? ( Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Nairobi and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Kenya who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Kenyan snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in Kenya in 1969 and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Mombasa. Can you help? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA )
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

(Acknowledgment to StrangeZoo.com for the baboon pic)

Kenya – The Sad fall of African Pride

Things are really going from bad to worse in Kenya, just when you think there’s a respite in the violence, there’s something that triggers it off again.

The tribalist fallacies, that have always drawn lines amongst the Kenyan populace, have been mixed with the idiotic ‘eye for an eye’ ideology propagated by greedy politicians, causing a truly volatile situation in Kenya.

I find it sickening to see politicians riling people to murder each other, whilst surrounded by an army of guards , retiring to their fortresses in Muthaiga, Runda and Karen while innocent men, women and children are torn from their homes and displaced in the wake of the never-ending violence.

Today, I recieved news of the death of a prominent MP from Eldoret, gunned down by a Traffic policeman. Not surprisingly, he was from the opposition party. The Govt spokesmen called it a crime of passion. To me, what’s frustating is how the govt. treats the public like they are dumb children who will believe whatever bullshit that spews from their lying mouths. It is even more frustrating to see that most people swallow that crap like it is gospel. I find it hard to believe that the death of that politician had anything to do with passion but had everything to do with shutting the opposition up by scare tactics. Idiocies like this are what fuel the public to tear each others throats out.

Someone living in Kenya, told me that the govt has reported in the nightly news that they will be monitoring peoples text messages and emails and will be arresting anything that reeks of political agenda.Yet another empty scare tactic, that will undoubtedly scare millions of Kenyans into suppressing their democratic rights. If anyone in Kenya is reading this, please be assured that this is not possible for the following reasons:

a. Filters for an undertaking of this sort takes a good few months to set up, not to mention another few months to test it.

b. Kenya does not have the technological infrastructure to do anything of the sort. In an archaic govt, which doesn’t even have government websites or portals to assist general public through automated and simplifying day-to-day civil governance tasks like providing of govt office timings, paying oftraffic tickets etc, I find it hard to believe that they would spend millions investing in high-end computers that would assist them in the task. Not to mention the lack of a trained density of people, amounting to a small army, that would be required to fulfill this task. For those who still don’t believe this is true, think about this – either spend the money on this technology and hire people to run it to see what ‘dangerous’ information is being passed via text messages or ‘save’ that govt. money and funnel it into a personal swiss bank account. If I were a Kenyan politician, I would definitely be doing the latter. Why not?! It’s happened before and it’s happening right now as you read this sentence.

C. Even if the govt suddenly decided to invest into hiring a third-party contractor in say China or the US, they would have to channel their data through VSAT. (There were talks of an undersea cable from Fujeirah, UAE to Mombasa, Kenya that would have given Kenya high speed internet, but I’m sure that idea has been drowned(pun intended), in the wake of the violence). The astronomical prices that Kenyan consumers pay for their internet is because of the VSAT. I find it highly unlikely that this phenomenally huge chunk of data will be fed via vsat to a third party contractor for them to sift through the data and pick out the culprits. This would waste billions of shillings in the transport of this data, not forgetting the pretty penny that the contractors would charge to keep ahead of the daily backlog, that could easily be transferred into buying ______ (insert politician’s son’s name here) a Mercedes in Boston/NYC/Chicago and have change leftover to throw a nyam chom party in Karen/Muthaiga/Runda.

Kenya is a sick, sad state of affairs. Ethnic cleansing that is built on the backs of greedy, selfish politicians, too old to lead the country and too stupid to end the hatred they have caused. What’s worse is the nosy US wants in on the situation too. US policy might be a temporary solution to the issues, but they are going to have Kenya in an even tighter grip around their balls. The only people who can stop this whole mess, sadly but truly are the politicians. It’s just a matter of when they are going to tire of their back-and-forth blame throwing game and look around and see the disaster they have caused.

My heart goes out to the people: Those who are mislead by the politicians and are caught up in their lies, those that have died because two greedy, fat old men are fighting for power, to those who have nothing left, no land, no property, no jobs and no food.

When will Kenyans will wake up and see through this veil of lies? When will they see that the problems don’t lie in what tribe you come from, but in what price the politicians are willing to pay for the sake of power? I hope that, for the sake of Kenya, it is very soon. Otherwise, what was once the pride of Africa will be nothing but a shell of shame.

Peace will come not by killing your brother, but by embracing him and working together to right what you have wronged and to put your shoulder to his and improve your motherland.

Damu!

(picture courtesy of LA times)

Kenya Stop the Violence?

I’m never one for online petitions. I don’t believe that they really work, but for the cause I have to try 🙂

Sign up, make a change and make a believer out of me 🙂

Kenyan Election Snafu

I am writing this with shame for two reasons:

1. The current state of Kenya after the elections.

2. The amount of time I have been away from this blog.

I dare not comment much on the state of Kenya’s political and social standing. I am pretty much an outsider looking in, trying to glean as much information from websites, tv, blogs, chat and sms as are the rest of us living outside the country. I have been away from Kenya for so long that the political situation before the election was pretty much a shadow of a flickering candle to me. I will be the first to admit that I am not a political animal, but a social one. It has never been my cup of tea. But, sadly, as it is often the case the two often overlap, and this is my understanding of the current situation in Kenya.

Tribalism has always been a tool of the politicians in Kenya, and they have more often than not used it to rile people against their brothers. Forgetting shared boundaries, forgetting bearing the same burdens, Kenyans who are known to be a gentle people have taken up arms against their neighbours, their brothers , their kin. Last night, I watched in horror when a BBC broadcast of a church that was burnt down was televised. Over 25 children and adults who were running from the violence were trapped inside and burnt to their deaths. 50 people were killed in a single blow.

Kibera Slums in Nairobi is the epicenter of any political uprising and often these poor people, like it or not, face the full brunt of any political rally. Most of these people can’t even eat one meal a day, and the fact that their houses have been looted and burnt down is the true tragedy for Kenya.

I really don’t care about who comes into power(the situation is still volatile, even after Kibaki has claimed the presidency). However, I do care about the implications of the violence that the fight for power has created amongst the people. I care about the fact that democracy, has taken a back-seat in these elections, and what has evolved is an ugly battle for power, paid for by the lives of 300 people killed in 4 days. One may say that this is common of the current state of a lot of other countries in Africa, but I say that Kenya is different from a lot of African countries. We are not killers or looters or violaters of human rights. It is a shame that our people have been manipulated into such. And more of a shame that our ugliness is broadcast over the world.

I am not sure what will happen to the country in the next few days, but my prayers and thoughts are always with my motherland and for my people.

Comments are welcome.